today i miss you a bit more than usual...

loosing

everybody keep telling me it's your loss... that am i a great girl, smart, beautiful, nice... that i have everything it takes and that any guy would be happy to get me... every one keeps telling me that i deserve better than you, and that you don't deserve me... everybody keeps telling me it's your loss... and i'm tired of it! As much as i would like to think about what you're loosing, i can't avoid but think about what i am loosing too... and that is the part no one ever tells you... nobody ever comes and tell me what i am loosing too... because if i fell for you it's because you had something to give me... it's because i felt you were worth it... and i am loosing that too...
i spent the weekend trying to find someone that tells me you're not being a jerk... someone that tells me that what you've done is perfectly understandable... i searched... and everyone had the same answer for me, the same answer i gave you before, saying that no, what you did is not alright...
so yes, you are probably loosing me... but i am loosing much too... and my loss hurts....

and all i feel like saying is that i hope you will be very happy together!!! oh, i so hate you right now!!!!!

i hope your weekend was worth you loosing me....

i am a nice girl. i have good moral values and go to church every week... i am polite, i smile at people and say good morning and thank you to the bus driver... i am smart and am trying to do something good with my life, so that someday i can share a nice life, with a nice place to live with my family... i have good manners, i can find conversation topics to avoid awkward silence with people i don't know... i care about others, and about what i can do to make them feel good... i am a nice person... and i am not looking for recognition...

i like planes. ever since i took one for the first time when i was 10, i've always felt at home inside them. of course the reasons have changed through out the years... and come to think of it, the reason why i like them so much right now is because when you're inside the plane, nothing else exists. there is no communication with the outside world. there is no one coming in or going out. there is no point in thinking what's going on in the world, or with the people you know, because for the length of the flight there is nothing you can do about it! it's total freedom... you can just take the time to relax, or to focus on something without being disturbed, or take the time to sleep or read...

complicated

relationships are complicated... not only boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but any kind of relation. when you're little you fight over who is X's best friend or second best friend... i know i had those fights... it just seemed that being someone's best friends was the most amazing thing in the world. it meant that you would play all the time, that you would share your toys with someone but also get to share that someone's toys too... i'd be upset when i realized X picked another best friend instead of me, but i'd end up getting a new best friend... when you are five that is about as complicated as relations get, but it is still enough to make you feel happy or sad...
and then you grow... then you get your friends... people you go out with, people you drink with... people you go to school with... among those people there will be the ones with whom you share your first crush with. those people will most likely be girls if you're a girl, or boys if you're a boy. You will talk about that new cute guy at school... about that quiz in the magazine that said you were meant for each other... well, i'm a girl, so i can only give a girls point of view... and then, then you get your first boyfriend. you're so happy you go home and spend hours on the phone with all of your friends telling them how great the kiss was... telling them that you know it will last forever and about how happy you feel... and even if you're still a teenager, you start discovering new things about being with someone... of course the boy is most likely from your group of friends, with whom you do every little thing... you all go out together, but still find the time to be alone... and then, one day, you get your first heartbreak! you don't really know why, he doesn't really knows why, but you split up... and you share the same group of friends. Suddenly it feels awkward to go out with your friends. your girl friends tell you you're better off without him. you tell yourself he was the man of your dreams... you go out one evening and he's there, with all your friends. you don't know what to tell him. it's weird not to kiss him. it is weird to look at other boys when he's around... it is weird just to be in t he same place as he is when he flirts with some other girl. but then again, you remain friends. he still hangs out with you, and since you're friends, he shares lots of things with you... you don't know what to say to him. you don't want to loose his friendship, but don't want to listen to him talking about his new girlfriend either... but you live with it... when his new girlfriend starts to go out with the group, you feel a bit jealous. he was your boyfriend to begin with... and what is he doing with her? she's way less pretty than you. what is it that she's got that you don't have? and then you do silly things, to make her see that you know him way better than she does... and then, one day, he comes to you and tells you that his girlfriend broke up with him... and he's sad... and you want to comfort him but don't know how... and you realize you don't want to get back with him, but the idea of him with someone else when you had no one was killing you... and you feel stupid... and this is just when you're a teenager...
once you grow up... once you go off to college, or get a job, or start making something out of your own life, everything gets even more complicated. friends are everywhere. some are still in the same place as you, and some moved on and got their own lives... you find someone you can share your life with, and everything goes great... and then it gets complicated! you don't spend the day together at school, because you have different jobs. you try to find time for each other, but the agendas always seem to be filled with something else... there is always a late night job, an evening at a friends house, someone that's not feeling great, a invitation to go to the movies, there's always something, and time doesn't stretch... and you start thinking if you have the time for a relationship... and at this point, either you do, and yours and his plans start being the plans for both of you, or you don't, and you break up... of course it is not this easy... once you start getting settled, you start thinking a bit over... you start thinking about adult life, about having a family, about having someone to come home to... but then again, you have a bachelor's life where you do whatever you want and feel like, with little responsibility towards anyone else but yourself... and you wonder if it's worth loosing all that... you wonder if it's worth starting to make decisions for two instead of just for yourself... and it gets even more complicated... and you don't know what to do, to think or to feel... and then well, then you just let time go by, hoping that one day you will make up your mind... hoping that one day you will know what to do... but well, the truth is that one day you have to take the leap... one day you have to jump, you just have to say that the life you had was great, but you're going towards a better one...