cell phone

i leave my mobile phone turned on when i go to bed. i had never thought of the reason why, just told myself that i like to be reachable at any time. turns out that taking the time to think of it there is a reason why i keep it turned on... i see myself as a sensitive person. someone that can't keep her feelings inside and that has to exteriorize them. someone that likes to feel loved and that likes to know others care... and that's the reason i leave my cell phone on... because i know i would be happy to wake up at 3 a.m. just to read a text message saying that someone is thinking of me... because i'd be happy to wake up with a call just to hear i miss you... just because i'm sensible to all sorts of gestures that make me feel loved... yes, that is why i keep my cell phone on, so that someone can wake me up...

going crazy

i feel like i might be loosing my mind... i don't know why (or maybe i do), and don't like the feeling at all... am i kidding myself? am i too naif to think that everything will be perfect when, in fact, that will not be the case? or am i doing things too fast? i wish i could have the answers... i wish my heart could settle down and my mind could stop thinking, for i don't know how long i can take feeling this way...

i can never tell what you're thinking... i can never tell if you don't share your feelings out of fear or because you're just not used to doing it...
i told you in the beginning for you to take care of my heart and not to break it, and yet i don't think you realize how much it hurts being in love with you...
maybe i'm being silly... maybe it's just me being jealous, i don't know... maybe it's just you not getting why some things make me jealous... all i know is that it kills me to feel this way... all i know is that feeling this way makes me way less confident than what i am used to be, and that i don't like it at all... do you think that you can end up opening your soul to me? do you think that, sometime, you might be able to ease my heart and make me feel safe and loved?

am i going crazy? am i putting too much expectations in what is going on?
i can never tell what you're thinking, can never tell what you're feeling... it kills me to think that i did something wrong when i don't have no idea what... it breaks me to think that i am getting attached, and that you might not be. it even makes me feel crazy knowing that, deep down, these feelings are just silly, and that i am not kidding myself... that you do, in fact, care about me.
i don't like being this kind of girl. i've always been sure of myself. with you i can one moment feel safe like nothing bad is ever going to happen, and then, a moment later, feel like the world might be collapsing... not that it is your fault, but i don't like to be the "needy" girl, the girl that is always going after someone just because of her need to feel like others care. No, i don't like to feel like i'm always going after you when, in fact, we should just be going after each other.
i don't like to feel "afraid" to kiss you or hug you just because you might think that i never leave you alone, or to tell you about what i do all day just because it might bore you... or even to tell you what i feel for you just because it might scare you off... and it kills me because that is exactly who i am! i am the girl that likes external signs of affection and all kinds of romantic, even cliché things. I'm the girl that needs to talk about her day just to be able to process what happened, and if it is worth worrying about it or not... but most of all i am the girl that wants to tell the world what i feel for you... it is crazy how something that feels so right most of the time can actually feel so weak and vulnerable some other times... but then again, i guess it is just part of the getting to know you process, and, even if it hurts sometimes, i do believe that i am getting to know you piece by piece... and i am also learning not to take you for granted...

"És o sol a brilhar em fios de água
Ao nascer deste dia.
És o céu, meu amor e minha mágoa,
Um mar de imensa alegria.

Canto de alegria,
Sonho a minha vida
Mundo novo para mim.
Peço a Deus que guarde,
Me guie e proteja
Nesta estrada sem fim.

És o tempo que passa e que voa,
Num instante melhor;
És o adeus que partilhas, que magoa
Para lá do que ficou.

És branco, amarelo,
Cor daquela flor,
E o perfume sou eu.
És o azul do beijo
Que jaz escondido
E em segredo se diz.

És a esperança do olhar que procura
Um gesto de amizade;
És o fogo, o calor, a ternura,
És homem de verdade."

it's the first time i'm posting in portuguese, but i'm listening to this song and can't avoid pasting the lyrics here...

vulnerable

you came slowly, step by step... you made me feel alive... in a short amount of time i dropped all my guards and let you into my heart... i asked you to take care of it, to make your best not to break it!
and this is how you made me vulnerable! this is how you took away everything i always took for granted... and the funny thing is that i am convinced that it is a good thing... is it?

how i wish you were here...

i'm feeling a bit bored, or jealous, or something else that i am still yet to figure out what it is. this is probably weird to thing, or to feel, but when you just want to do something, or be with someone, everything else just seems pointless. you every day activities, that have always felt normal, suddenly lack of enthusiasm, just because your head is busy thinking of something or someone else...
me, i just wish you were here...