no, nothing good can come of it. i believe i needed a decent ending, so that i could move on, and that's what i looked for today. those past two days we've been more a couple then the last two weeks put together. in what concerns me, my feelings for you haven't changed, and that's why i still wonder what you're doing, how you're doing, and who you're doing it with... not sure if it is just out of curiosity, but it is because, even after everything we went through, i still care for you... on your side, on the other hand, i think that you are realizing what you have lost, and when you take something (or in this case someone) for granted, it's always hard when you loose it... you might not even care about the person, but you care that it is not there anymore.
i told you you needed to think about a couple of things. i don't know if you will think about them or not. i didn't tell you to do it so that you could come back to me afterwards. i told you because i deeply care about you and wouldn't like to see you suffer in the future, when you find the right person for you, just because you haven't thought things through. i didn't tell you that you should profit of this summer vacation to really figure out who you are and what you want so that you can come back in september saying you've changed... no, i didn't tell you that because i am not sure i will be waiting. i can't be waiting for something that might or might not occur. i need to move on with my life, even if it is not easy. i need to clear my head and soul, for if i keep waiting i will go crazy. if i keep waiting i will just keep hurting myself, and i don't think i can take it anymore.
we did spend some nice times together, and i'll keep those moments in the nice memories box, but now it is time for me to move on, or those sweet memories might end up shadowed by some not so sweet ones, and i would not want to end up hating you. so no, nothing good can ever come of it...
i am a smart girl. i don't see myself as an ugly girl. i am nice and like plenty of things. i do believe that i deserve someone that cares about me. i deserve someone that doesn't mind going to the movies to watch romantic movies with me and hold me in the end. i deserve someone that doesn't mind eating junk food just because i like it. i deserve someone that puts me before everything. i deserve someone that actually cares about me, and loves me for who i am and no matter what i do, or say, or even think. i deserve someone that makes that extremely romantic gesture that will make me shed a tear or two, but that will make me feel wanted. i deserve someone on whose door i can knock unannounced with some cookies to share. i deserve someone to whom i can pour my soul out, to whom i can buy silly gifts, with whom i can share my not so funny jokes and that will still laugh at them.
you, you had my heart, and decided to drop it. you had me there for you, and you couldn't be there when i needed you the most... because you didn't even realized when i needed you the most. you broke something that i wish could be fixed, but that am i not sure will ever be, and it hurts. it hurts bad. it hurt to the point of physical pain, when you can hardly breath... it hurts to know that despite all that i still think about you... it hurts to think of moving on when you're the person i'd like to move on with... but it hurts even more to think that you could break me again, and that i don't know if i could take it... there's so much i wished to tell you, so much things i'd like to share with you and so much things i'd like you to share with me, and at the same time there's nothing left to be said or done. i will not be waiting, for i don't know what to wait for, so no, nothing good can come of it...
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I don't know exactly how to describe the pain, its so much more than something physical...its something that rips so deep inside you that you're not sure who or what to turn to.
I've felt this pain more than once....but this last time it was different, I don't want to look at my inner wound because I don't want know "how" it has healed...I'm a good person, I guess I just always believe that things will last forever and I never once expect that something will end.
The question always scratching at me in the back of my mind is "will my feelings for her ever change?". Its been about a year now, there has been no one else and every time she's tried to make contact, I've been there but distant...sort of like a self-defense mechanism. It doesn't hurt as it did that day when I heard the words "I don't feel the same way anymore...I don't love you", simply because I've puled myself from it, brought myself forward. The moment is still there, clear as crystal...it won't go away, I just choose not to look at it anymore. I can't....because I don't want to stop believing that when two people love each other, it will be forever
So where does one go from here? Its a question that all of us ask but to which there isn't one clear answer.
My advice to you is simply, be yourself. Rediscover who you were before being with him, learn to love yourself just the way you are now nut above all....don't look for what you seek because one day, it will find you.
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