wait

when you don't know what to wait for, that's when the waiting is hard. i want to pick up my phone and ask you why... want to ask you if i should think anything of what you sent or not... ask you if you were just drunk and had no idea what you were doing, or if you did, indeed, feel like sharing it with me.
i need to know, and yet i don't think i should ask you. i hate being afraid to talk to you, to answer your messages because i might say the wrong thing. i actually want to be me again... to be the girl you started to get to know a few months ago, and that somehow got lost somewhere...
anyway, the expectation is killing me... and hopefully you'll be able to soon ease my heart... in one way or another...

impulsiveness

i am not impulsive... i always like to think things through, so that i can live with each decision that i make, knowing that it came from a well thought out process. and today, today i had an impulsive move. i've told you something that i should have waited before telling you, and now i feel afraid that i will not be able to live with what i told you. i want to call you, to text you, to somehow find a way to apologize for what i told you without even carrying about what you felt...
but i told you i'd give you the time to think... i've told you before that i thought you had many things to think about, and i am glad you are taking the time to think of them... i am also afraid of the outcome of your thinking. i am afraid i'll never get to see your eyes again... afraid i'll never feel your beard touching my neck again... afraid i might have lost you, when you're the only person i want to be with... and then again, afraid that i might get hurt again... so yes, i am glad you are taking the time to think, and i am trying to focus on something else other than your thoughts, for i am sure you will take the right decision, or at least the right one for you... and it might sound cliché, but i actually want to see you happy more than anything else...

unannounced

i like it when people show up unannounced. when a friend or someone you care about knocks at your door just to say hi, just to say "hey, i was in the neighborhood and thought i'd come and see if you were home". i like surprises that only involve me and someone else. and i keep waiting for the day you will knock at my door at 3 a.m. for a good night kiss, and for the day you'll knock on my door in the morning to wake me up and bring me breakfast. i like unannounced visits, and also like to feel free to make them. you told me "next time call before you come", and i was not sure if i should excuse myself or not. i am not sure i will ever be able to show up like that anymore and feel rejected. no, rejection is not something easy to deal with... i like surprises and i like unannouncements...

nothing good can come of it

no, nothing good can come of it. i believe i needed a decent ending, so that i could move on, and that's what i looked for today. those past two days we've been more a couple then the last two weeks put together. in what concerns me, my feelings for you haven't changed, and that's why i still wonder what you're doing, how you're doing, and who you're doing it with... not sure if it is just out of curiosity, but it is because, even after everything we went through, i still care for you... on your side, on the other hand, i think that you are realizing what you have lost, and when you take something (or in this case someone) for granted, it's always hard when you loose it... you might not even care about the person, but you care that it is not there anymore.
i told you you needed to think about a couple of things. i don't know if you will think about them or not. i didn't tell you to do it so that you could come back to me afterwards. i told you because i deeply care about you and wouldn't like to see you suffer in the future, when you find the right person for you, just because you haven't thought things through. i didn't tell you that you should profit of this summer vacation to really figure out who you are and what you want so that you can come back in september saying you've changed... no, i didn't tell you that because i am not sure i will be waiting. i can't be waiting for something that might or might not occur. i need to move on with my life, even if it is not easy. i need to clear my head and soul, for if i keep waiting i will go crazy. if i keep waiting i will just keep hurting myself, and i don't think i can take it anymore.
we did spend some nice times together, and i'll keep those moments in the nice memories box, but now it is time for me to move on, or those sweet memories might end up shadowed by some not so sweet ones, and i would not want to end up hating you. so no, nothing good can ever come of it...
i am a smart girl. i don't see myself as an ugly girl. i am nice and like plenty of things. i do believe that i deserve someone that cares about me. i deserve someone that doesn't mind going to the movies to watch romantic movies with me and hold me in the end. i deserve someone that doesn't mind eating junk food just because i like it. i deserve someone that puts me before everything. i deserve someone that actually cares about me, and loves me for who i am and no matter what i do, or say, or even think. i deserve someone that makes that extremely romantic gesture that will make me shed a tear or two, but that will make me feel wanted. i deserve someone on whose door i can knock unannounced with some cookies to share. i deserve someone to whom i can pour my soul out, to whom i can buy silly gifts, with whom i can share my not so funny jokes and that will still laugh at them.
you, you had my heart, and decided to drop it. you had me there for you, and you couldn't be there when i needed you the most... because you didn't even realized when i needed you the most. you broke something that i wish could be fixed, but that am i not sure will ever be, and it hurts. it hurts bad. it hurt to the point of physical pain, when you can hardly breath... it hurts to know that despite all that i still think about you... it hurts to think of moving on when you're the person i'd like to move on with... but it hurts even more to think that you could break me again, and that i don't know if i could take it... there's so much i wished to tell you, so much things i'd like to share with you and so much things i'd like you to share with me, and at the same time there's nothing left to be said or done. i will not be waiting, for i don't know what to wait for,  so no, nothing good can come of it...

cell phone

i leave my mobile phone turned on when i go to bed. i had never thought of the reason why, just told myself that i like to be reachable at any time. turns out that taking the time to think of it there is a reason why i keep it turned on... i see myself as a sensitive person. someone that can't keep her feelings inside and that has to exteriorize them. someone that likes to feel loved and that likes to know others care... and that's the reason i leave my cell phone on... because i know i would be happy to wake up at 3 a.m. just to read a text message saying that someone is thinking of me... because i'd be happy to wake up with a call just to hear i miss you... just because i'm sensible to all sorts of gestures that make me feel loved... yes, that is why i keep my cell phone on, so that someone can wake me up...

going crazy

i feel like i might be loosing my mind... i don't know why (or maybe i do), and don't like the feeling at all... am i kidding myself? am i too naif to think that everything will be perfect when, in fact, that will not be the case? or am i doing things too fast? i wish i could have the answers... i wish my heart could settle down and my mind could stop thinking, for i don't know how long i can take feeling this way...

i can never tell what you're thinking... i can never tell if you don't share your feelings out of fear or because you're just not used to doing it...
i told you in the beginning for you to take care of my heart and not to break it, and yet i don't think you realize how much it hurts being in love with you...
maybe i'm being silly... maybe it's just me being jealous, i don't know... maybe it's just you not getting why some things make me jealous... all i know is that it kills me to feel this way... all i know is that feeling this way makes me way less confident than what i am used to be, and that i don't like it at all... do you think that you can end up opening your soul to me? do you think that, sometime, you might be able to ease my heart and make me feel safe and loved?