i am a nice girl. i have good moral values and go to church every week... i am polite, i smile at people and say good morning and thank you to the bus driver... i am smart and am trying to do something good with my life, so that someday i can share a nice life, with a nice place to live with my family... i have good manners, i can find conversation topics to avoid awkward silence with people i don't know... i care about others, and about what i can do to make them feel good... i am a nice person... and i am not looking for recognition...

i like planes. ever since i took one for the first time when i was 10, i've always felt at home inside them. of course the reasons have changed through out the years... and come to think of it, the reason why i like them so much right now is because when you're inside the plane, nothing else exists. there is no communication with the outside world. there is no one coming in or going out. there is no point in thinking what's going on in the world, or with the people you know, because for the length of the flight there is nothing you can do about it! it's total freedom... you can just take the time to relax, or to focus on something without being disturbed, or take the time to sleep or read...

complicated

relationships are complicated... not only boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but any kind of relation. when you're little you fight over who is X's best friend or second best friend... i know i had those fights... it just seemed that being someone's best friends was the most amazing thing in the world. it meant that you would play all the time, that you would share your toys with someone but also get to share that someone's toys too... i'd be upset when i realized X picked another best friend instead of me, but i'd end up getting a new best friend... when you are five that is about as complicated as relations get, but it is still enough to make you feel happy or sad...
and then you grow... then you get your friends... people you go out with, people you drink with... people you go to school with... among those people there will be the ones with whom you share your first crush with. those people will most likely be girls if you're a girl, or boys if you're a boy. You will talk about that new cute guy at school... about that quiz in the magazine that said you were meant for each other... well, i'm a girl, so i can only give a girls point of view... and then, then you get your first boyfriend. you're so happy you go home and spend hours on the phone with all of your friends telling them how great the kiss was... telling them that you know it will last forever and about how happy you feel... and even if you're still a teenager, you start discovering new things about being with someone... of course the boy is most likely from your group of friends, with whom you do every little thing... you all go out together, but still find the time to be alone... and then, one day, you get your first heartbreak! you don't really know why, he doesn't really knows why, but you split up... and you share the same group of friends. Suddenly it feels awkward to go out with your friends. your girl friends tell you you're better off without him. you tell yourself he was the man of your dreams... you go out one evening and he's there, with all your friends. you don't know what to tell him. it's weird not to kiss him. it is weird to look at other boys when he's around... it is weird just to be in t he same place as he is when he flirts with some other girl. but then again, you remain friends. he still hangs out with you, and since you're friends, he shares lots of things with you... you don't know what to say to him. you don't want to loose his friendship, but don't want to listen to him talking about his new girlfriend either... but you live with it... when his new girlfriend starts to go out with the group, you feel a bit jealous. he was your boyfriend to begin with... and what is he doing with her? she's way less pretty than you. what is it that she's got that you don't have? and then you do silly things, to make her see that you know him way better than she does... and then, one day, he comes to you and tells you that his girlfriend broke up with him... and he's sad... and you want to comfort him but don't know how... and you realize you don't want to get back with him, but the idea of him with someone else when you had no one was killing you... and you feel stupid... and this is just when you're a teenager...
once you grow up... once you go off to college, or get a job, or start making something out of your own life, everything gets even more complicated. friends are everywhere. some are still in the same place as you, and some moved on and got their own lives... you find someone you can share your life with, and everything goes great... and then it gets complicated! you don't spend the day together at school, because you have different jobs. you try to find time for each other, but the agendas always seem to be filled with something else... there is always a late night job, an evening at a friends house, someone that's not feeling great, a invitation to go to the movies, there's always something, and time doesn't stretch... and you start thinking if you have the time for a relationship... and at this point, either you do, and yours and his plans start being the plans for both of you, or you don't, and you break up... of course it is not this easy... once you start getting settled, you start thinking a bit over... you start thinking about adult life, about having a family, about having someone to come home to... but then again, you have a bachelor's life where you do whatever you want and feel like, with little responsibility towards anyone else but yourself... and you wonder if it's worth loosing all that... you wonder if it's worth starting to make decisions for two instead of just for yourself... and it gets even more complicated... and you don't know what to do, to think or to feel... and then well, then you just let time go by, hoping that one day you will make up your mind... hoping that one day you will know what to do... but well, the truth is that one day you have to take the leap... one day you have to jump, you just have to say that the life you had was great, but you're going towards a better one...

friends...

i've told you today that i don't get bored because you're not around... but that, when i'm bored, i realize that you're not around. missing you is nothing but normal. i miss lots of things... i miss walks in the beach in february, when there's no one around... i miss talking inside the car, waiting for the rain to stop outside... i miss late night phone calls... i miss people writing me letters, old fashioned letters... i miss having my closest friends around and being able to call them to go grab a cup of coffee... i miss going out in the evening and getting home at 4 a.m. just because conversation was so good that i didn't want to leave... i miss the volunteer work i did for so many summer's in a row... i miss my family and going home for the weekend... i miss late night conversations in bed with my sister, when we shared out room... i miss a lot of things, and yes, i miss you too... and the thing i miss the most about you is the things we never got to do...
one of the reasons i wanted the car before summer was for us to be able to get out of here... to go spend the weekend at the beach, or have an afternoon out in the mountain...
i've told you that i might have wanted things to go too fast... or maybe they just went as fast as they needed to go... maybe the reason we got together was because you needed someone to make you want to do something out of your life... or maybe it was for me to be able to overcome many of my fears... and you know you helped me overcome many... maybe we're still meant to be together, or maybe we're both meant to find someone else...
i don't know how to be friends with you... i don't event know if i know how to be friends with anyone... i have people i share my day to day life... people that realize when i'm not doing fine and that care about me, and people i just spend my time with at work or other activities... i have people i've known for a very long time... it is great to see them once and again, every time life makes it possible. Those are indeed friends, people i know i can count on... but also people that don't share the same life that i have, or at least not anymore. and i don't even think that any of the people in any of these two groups actually knows the real me. Some know me better than others... some might even know what my favorite color is, where i live, or even what i like to drink when i go out... some might know who is important to me, and what i can do to help someone else... but i don't think there is anyone who really really knows me for who i am... someone that shares my world with me, to whom i can talk about people using their names instead of the place they have in my life... i don't think there is anyone i would feel free to call at 10 p.m. and say "i'm bored, wanna join me for coffee?"... or anyone i could call at 3 a.m. saying "i am not ok, can you come?". There is no one i want to share the deepest and the most insignificant detail of my life, without being afraid to bore that person... my fault? probably... but i don't care... i've had that person... i had that person for a long time and i let him go... and no, that person was not just a friend... it was way more than a friend, because a friend is someone you share your life with, but a friend is not the person you want to know you better than you know yourself... that spot, that privileged spot is meant for someone that is more than a friend... it is meant for the person you want to share every second of your life with... it is meant for someone that has earned not only your love, but also your trust and respect... friends come and go... there are no obligation towards friends... they can leave... they get their own lives... they might even keep in touch, and you have great moments together, but they are free to go and live their own lives... that special person, however, is the person that actually gives a sense to the word friend... the person you spend your life with, that's the person that will know you better than you know yourself... it's the person that will wake up next to you, and be with you when you're sick and look terrible... and that will see you cry and hug you when you are sad... that's the person that will always be there for you, because that friend earned your love... and somehow you earned his... and that what lets you feel safe, and know that he will always be there, because above all he is your best friends, he knows every little detail about your life... he knows the person you are now, and the person you grow up to become... and you know that he will always be there... not that other people might not be there, but no one knows you better than he does... and me, i had that person and i let it go... and now i had you... and i was willing to trust you, i was willing to be your friend and let you be mine... but you, you would rather share your life with your so called friends... i am not sure they are your friends... not in the sense that they know the real you from today... not in the sense that you share everything with them... no, i believe they are just people that once knew you well, or that share a part of your life with you, so it seems easy to talk to them about certain things... but i don't think there is anyone among your friends that knows the real you... that knows you better than you do... and i'm not saying i do know you that way... you never gave me the time to be that person... you never gave me the chance to share every detail of your life... the change to relate faces to names so that i could picture who you were talking about... the chance to get home at the end of the day and hear about where you spent your time, what you learned or what you dreamed of... you never gave me the chance to really get to know the real you and to really become your friend... because you told me that you'd rather keep your friends, for friends will be there forever... but as i said... friends will get their own lives, they'll get their own best friend, and they will just become sweet memories... because one day you will call them saying "i'm not feeling great" and they will tell you "sorry you're not feeling great, but i need to stay with my kid today, so there's nothing i can do"...
so yes, i do have many people that know me, and that share parts of my life with me... but what i don't have is a friend... what i don't have is the person that i know will always be there...

it's not easy...

it's not easy to miss you... it's not easy to think of you every time i stop for a little while. it's nice to have come home... people are keeping my mind occupied, so days are going by a bit faster... there's so much i'd like to share with you... the time i spent this morning in the coffee place reading... seeing lisbon on the other side of the river... watching the bodyguard on tv last night... yes, it's not easy to miss you, but i'm doing my best to get used to it... i'm doing my best to stop thinking about what could have been...

miss you...

i want to write you. want to tell you how i feel, what i feel... and yet i don't know what else to tell you. no, i don't want to convince you, but the thought of never seeing you again doesn't seem to agree with me. i want to pick my phone and call you... i want to open my mail and write you... i want to get in my car and drive to your place... i never thought i could get so attach in such a little amount of time, but everything seemed so perfect... you were so perfect... that i let my guards down and fell for you... and the being with you was just perfect... i'm trying to keep the good moments in my mind. i'm trying to keep just the good things, and throw out all the things that hurt... and yet i cry. i can't even hate you for i love you so much... i guess you will never get to read about my random facts, or about the nice things i can write when i'm happy... you will miss the happy me around christmas, just because it's christmas, and the silly me that just gets you some silly present... but then again, a relationship needs to be between two people, and i don't want to force you to do something you don't want to. i will get over the pain... i always have... it is painful, but i will get over it... but until then, i'll miss your smile, and your eyes, and your touch... i will miss you, but i will get over it...

speechless...

i am wordless. usually when i feel, when my heart is full of feelings, i find the right words to write, to put some order into my thoughts... well, i am all out of words now. i feel like you've taken them away from me... like you took away my heart, stole it, and now there's nothing left for me to feel...
i actually need to talk to you tonight... if for nothing else, to get what you took from me. i don't know if i'll ever be able to fix what you broke... i don't even know if you broke something or not... many things have been left unsaid, and i need our talk tonight for everything to start making sense again... maybe i'll find the words i lost these last few days... maybe i'll get to feel again. even if it is just pain, at least it is something, because not feeling anything, not knowing what to feel, what to think, what to expect, that's what keeps the words from me...