it's not easy...

it's not easy to miss you... it's not easy to think of you every time i stop for a little while. it's nice to have come home... people are keeping my mind occupied, so days are going by a bit faster... there's so much i'd like to share with you... the time i spent this morning in the coffee place reading... seeing lisbon on the other side of the river... watching the bodyguard on tv last night... yes, it's not easy to miss you, but i'm doing my best to get used to it... i'm doing my best to stop thinking about what could have been...

miss you...

i want to write you. want to tell you how i feel, what i feel... and yet i don't know what else to tell you. no, i don't want to convince you, but the thought of never seeing you again doesn't seem to agree with me. i want to pick my phone and call you... i want to open my mail and write you... i want to get in my car and drive to your place... i never thought i could get so attach in such a little amount of time, but everything seemed so perfect... you were so perfect... that i let my guards down and fell for you... and the being with you was just perfect... i'm trying to keep the good moments in my mind. i'm trying to keep just the good things, and throw out all the things that hurt... and yet i cry. i can't even hate you for i love you so much... i guess you will never get to read about my random facts, or about the nice things i can write when i'm happy... you will miss the happy me around christmas, just because it's christmas, and the silly me that just gets you some silly present... but then again, a relationship needs to be between two people, and i don't want to force you to do something you don't want to. i will get over the pain... i always have... it is painful, but i will get over it... but until then, i'll miss your smile, and your eyes, and your touch... i will miss you, but i will get over it...

speechless...

i am wordless. usually when i feel, when my heart is full of feelings, i find the right words to write, to put some order into my thoughts... well, i am all out of words now. i feel like you've taken them away from me... like you took away my heart, stole it, and now there's nothing left for me to feel...
i actually need to talk to you tonight... if for nothing else, to get what you took from me. i don't know if i'll ever be able to fix what you broke... i don't even know if you broke something or not... many things have been left unsaid, and i need our talk tonight for everything to start making sense again... maybe i'll find the words i lost these last few days... maybe i'll get to feel again. even if it is just pain, at least it is something, because not feeling anything, not knowing what to feel, what to think, what to expect, that's what keeps the words from me...

wait

when you don't know what to wait for, that's when the waiting is hard. i want to pick up my phone and ask you why... want to ask you if i should think anything of what you sent or not... ask you if you were just drunk and had no idea what you were doing, or if you did, indeed, feel like sharing it with me.
i need to know, and yet i don't think i should ask you. i hate being afraid to talk to you, to answer your messages because i might say the wrong thing. i actually want to be me again... to be the girl you started to get to know a few months ago, and that somehow got lost somewhere...
anyway, the expectation is killing me... and hopefully you'll be able to soon ease my heart... in one way or another...

impulsiveness

i am not impulsive... i always like to think things through, so that i can live with each decision that i make, knowing that it came from a well thought out process. and today, today i had an impulsive move. i've told you something that i should have waited before telling you, and now i feel afraid that i will not be able to live with what i told you. i want to call you, to text you, to somehow find a way to apologize for what i told you without even carrying about what you felt...
but i told you i'd give you the time to think... i've told you before that i thought you had many things to think about, and i am glad you are taking the time to think of them... i am also afraid of the outcome of your thinking. i am afraid i'll never get to see your eyes again... afraid i'll never feel your beard touching my neck again... afraid i might have lost you, when you're the only person i want to be with... and then again, afraid that i might get hurt again... so yes, i am glad you are taking the time to think, and i am trying to focus on something else other than your thoughts, for i am sure you will take the right decision, or at least the right one for you... and it might sound cliché, but i actually want to see you happy more than anything else...

unannounced

i like it when people show up unannounced. when a friend or someone you care about knocks at your door just to say hi, just to say "hey, i was in the neighborhood and thought i'd come and see if you were home". i like surprises that only involve me and someone else. and i keep waiting for the day you will knock at my door at 3 a.m. for a good night kiss, and for the day you'll knock on my door in the morning to wake me up and bring me breakfast. i like unannounced visits, and also like to feel free to make them. you told me "next time call before you come", and i was not sure if i should excuse myself or not. i am not sure i will ever be able to show up like that anymore and feel rejected. no, rejection is not something easy to deal with... i like surprises and i like unannouncements...

nothing good can come of it

no, nothing good can come of it. i believe i needed a decent ending, so that i could move on, and that's what i looked for today. those past two days we've been more a couple then the last two weeks put together. in what concerns me, my feelings for you haven't changed, and that's why i still wonder what you're doing, how you're doing, and who you're doing it with... not sure if it is just out of curiosity, but it is because, even after everything we went through, i still care for you... on your side, on the other hand, i think that you are realizing what you have lost, and when you take something (or in this case someone) for granted, it's always hard when you loose it... you might not even care about the person, but you care that it is not there anymore.
i told you you needed to think about a couple of things. i don't know if you will think about them or not. i didn't tell you to do it so that you could come back to me afterwards. i told you because i deeply care about you and wouldn't like to see you suffer in the future, when you find the right person for you, just because you haven't thought things through. i didn't tell you that you should profit of this summer vacation to really figure out who you are and what you want so that you can come back in september saying you've changed... no, i didn't tell you that because i am not sure i will be waiting. i can't be waiting for something that might or might not occur. i need to move on with my life, even if it is not easy. i need to clear my head and soul, for if i keep waiting i will go crazy. if i keep waiting i will just keep hurting myself, and i don't think i can take it anymore.
we did spend some nice times together, and i'll keep those moments in the nice memories box, but now it is time for me to move on, or those sweet memories might end up shadowed by some not so sweet ones, and i would not want to end up hating you. so no, nothing good can ever come of it...
i am a smart girl. i don't see myself as an ugly girl. i am nice and like plenty of things. i do believe that i deserve someone that cares about me. i deserve someone that doesn't mind going to the movies to watch romantic movies with me and hold me in the end. i deserve someone that doesn't mind eating junk food just because i like it. i deserve someone that puts me before everything. i deserve someone that actually cares about me, and loves me for who i am and no matter what i do, or say, or even think. i deserve someone that makes that extremely romantic gesture that will make me shed a tear or two, but that will make me feel wanted. i deserve someone on whose door i can knock unannounced with some cookies to share. i deserve someone to whom i can pour my soul out, to whom i can buy silly gifts, with whom i can share my not so funny jokes and that will still laugh at them.
you, you had my heart, and decided to drop it. you had me there for you, and you couldn't be there when i needed you the most... because you didn't even realized when i needed you the most. you broke something that i wish could be fixed, but that am i not sure will ever be, and it hurts. it hurts bad. it hurt to the point of physical pain, when you can hardly breath... it hurts to know that despite all that i still think about you... it hurts to think of moving on when you're the person i'd like to move on with... but it hurts even more to think that you could break me again, and that i don't know if i could take it... there's so much i wished to tell you, so much things i'd like to share with you and so much things i'd like you to share with me, and at the same time there's nothing left to be said or done. i will not be waiting, for i don't know what to wait for,  so no, nothing good can come of it...