friends...

i've told you today that i don't get bored because you're not around... but that, when i'm bored, i realize that you're not around. missing you is nothing but normal. i miss lots of things... i miss walks in the beach in february, when there's no one around... i miss talking inside the car, waiting for the rain to stop outside... i miss late night phone calls... i miss people writing me letters, old fashioned letters... i miss having my closest friends around and being able to call them to go grab a cup of coffee... i miss going out in the evening and getting home at 4 a.m. just because conversation was so good that i didn't want to leave... i miss the volunteer work i did for so many summer's in a row... i miss my family and going home for the weekend... i miss late night conversations in bed with my sister, when we shared out room... i miss a lot of things, and yes, i miss you too... and the thing i miss the most about you is the things we never got to do...
one of the reasons i wanted the car before summer was for us to be able to get out of here... to go spend the weekend at the beach, or have an afternoon out in the mountain...
i've told you that i might have wanted things to go too fast... or maybe they just went as fast as they needed to go... maybe the reason we got together was because you needed someone to make you want to do something out of your life... or maybe it was for me to be able to overcome many of my fears... and you know you helped me overcome many... maybe we're still meant to be together, or maybe we're both meant to find someone else...
i don't know how to be friends with you... i don't event know if i know how to be friends with anyone... i have people i share my day to day life... people that realize when i'm not doing fine and that care about me, and people i just spend my time with at work or other activities... i have people i've known for a very long time... it is great to see them once and again, every time life makes it possible. Those are indeed friends, people i know i can count on... but also people that don't share the same life that i have, or at least not anymore. and i don't even think that any of the people in any of these two groups actually knows the real me. Some know me better than others... some might even know what my favorite color is, where i live, or even what i like to drink when i go out... some might know who is important to me, and what i can do to help someone else... but i don't think there is anyone who really really knows me for who i am... someone that shares my world with me, to whom i can talk about people using their names instead of the place they have in my life... i don't think there is anyone i would feel free to call at 10 p.m. and say "i'm bored, wanna join me for coffee?"... or anyone i could call at 3 a.m. saying "i am not ok, can you come?". There is no one i want to share the deepest and the most insignificant detail of my life, without being afraid to bore that person... my fault? probably... but i don't care... i've had that person... i had that person for a long time and i let him go... and no, that person was not just a friend... it was way more than a friend, because a friend is someone you share your life with, but a friend is not the person you want to know you better than you know yourself... that spot, that privileged spot is meant for someone that is more than a friend... it is meant for the person you want to share every second of your life with... it is meant for someone that has earned not only your love, but also your trust and respect... friends come and go... there are no obligation towards friends... they can leave... they get their own lives... they might even keep in touch, and you have great moments together, but they are free to go and live their own lives... that special person, however, is the person that actually gives a sense to the word friend... the person you spend your life with, that's the person that will know you better than you know yourself... it's the person that will wake up next to you, and be with you when you're sick and look terrible... and that will see you cry and hug you when you are sad... that's the person that will always be there for you, because that friend earned your love... and somehow you earned his... and that what lets you feel safe, and know that he will always be there, because above all he is your best friends, he knows every little detail about your life... he knows the person you are now, and the person you grow up to become... and you know that he will always be there... not that other people might not be there, but no one knows you better than he does... and me, i had that person and i let it go... and now i had you... and i was willing to trust you, i was willing to be your friend and let you be mine... but you, you would rather share your life with your so called friends... i am not sure they are your friends... not in the sense that they know the real you from today... not in the sense that you share everything with them... no, i believe they are just people that once knew you well, or that share a part of your life with you, so it seems easy to talk to them about certain things... but i don't think there is anyone among your friends that knows the real you... that knows you better than you do... and i'm not saying i do know you that way... you never gave me the time to be that person... you never gave me the chance to share every detail of your life... the change to relate faces to names so that i could picture who you were talking about... the chance to get home at the end of the day and hear about where you spent your time, what you learned or what you dreamed of... you never gave me the chance to really get to know the real you and to really become your friend... because you told me that you'd rather keep your friends, for friends will be there forever... but as i said... friends will get their own lives, they'll get their own best friend, and they will just become sweet memories... because one day you will call them saying "i'm not feeling great" and they will tell you "sorry you're not feeling great, but i need to stay with my kid today, so there's nothing i can do"...
so yes, i do have many people that know me, and that share parts of my life with me... but what i don't have is a friend... what i don't have is the person that i know will always be there...

it's not easy...

it's not easy to miss you... it's not easy to think of you every time i stop for a little while. it's nice to have come home... people are keeping my mind occupied, so days are going by a bit faster... there's so much i'd like to share with you... the time i spent this morning in the coffee place reading... seeing lisbon on the other side of the river... watching the bodyguard on tv last night... yes, it's not easy to miss you, but i'm doing my best to get used to it... i'm doing my best to stop thinking about what could have been...

miss you...

i want to write you. want to tell you how i feel, what i feel... and yet i don't know what else to tell you. no, i don't want to convince you, but the thought of never seeing you again doesn't seem to agree with me. i want to pick my phone and call you... i want to open my mail and write you... i want to get in my car and drive to your place... i never thought i could get so attach in such a little amount of time, but everything seemed so perfect... you were so perfect... that i let my guards down and fell for you... and the being with you was just perfect... i'm trying to keep the good moments in my mind. i'm trying to keep just the good things, and throw out all the things that hurt... and yet i cry. i can't even hate you for i love you so much... i guess you will never get to read about my random facts, or about the nice things i can write when i'm happy... you will miss the happy me around christmas, just because it's christmas, and the silly me that just gets you some silly present... but then again, a relationship needs to be between two people, and i don't want to force you to do something you don't want to. i will get over the pain... i always have... it is painful, but i will get over it... but until then, i'll miss your smile, and your eyes, and your touch... i will miss you, but i will get over it...

speechless...

i am wordless. usually when i feel, when my heart is full of feelings, i find the right words to write, to put some order into my thoughts... well, i am all out of words now. i feel like you've taken them away from me... like you took away my heart, stole it, and now there's nothing left for me to feel...
i actually need to talk to you tonight... if for nothing else, to get what you took from me. i don't know if i'll ever be able to fix what you broke... i don't even know if you broke something or not... many things have been left unsaid, and i need our talk tonight for everything to start making sense again... maybe i'll find the words i lost these last few days... maybe i'll get to feel again. even if it is just pain, at least it is something, because not feeling anything, not knowing what to feel, what to think, what to expect, that's what keeps the words from me...

wait

when you don't know what to wait for, that's when the waiting is hard. i want to pick up my phone and ask you why... want to ask you if i should think anything of what you sent or not... ask you if you were just drunk and had no idea what you were doing, or if you did, indeed, feel like sharing it with me.
i need to know, and yet i don't think i should ask you. i hate being afraid to talk to you, to answer your messages because i might say the wrong thing. i actually want to be me again... to be the girl you started to get to know a few months ago, and that somehow got lost somewhere...
anyway, the expectation is killing me... and hopefully you'll be able to soon ease my heart... in one way or another...

impulsiveness

i am not impulsive... i always like to think things through, so that i can live with each decision that i make, knowing that it came from a well thought out process. and today, today i had an impulsive move. i've told you something that i should have waited before telling you, and now i feel afraid that i will not be able to live with what i told you. i want to call you, to text you, to somehow find a way to apologize for what i told you without even carrying about what you felt...
but i told you i'd give you the time to think... i've told you before that i thought you had many things to think about, and i am glad you are taking the time to think of them... i am also afraid of the outcome of your thinking. i am afraid i'll never get to see your eyes again... afraid i'll never feel your beard touching my neck again... afraid i might have lost you, when you're the only person i want to be with... and then again, afraid that i might get hurt again... so yes, i am glad you are taking the time to think, and i am trying to focus on something else other than your thoughts, for i am sure you will take the right decision, or at least the right one for you... and it might sound cliché, but i actually want to see you happy more than anything else...

unannounced

i like it when people show up unannounced. when a friend or someone you care about knocks at your door just to say hi, just to say "hey, i was in the neighborhood and thought i'd come and see if you were home". i like surprises that only involve me and someone else. and i keep waiting for the day you will knock at my door at 3 a.m. for a good night kiss, and for the day you'll knock on my door in the morning to wake me up and bring me breakfast. i like unannounced visits, and also like to feel free to make them. you told me "next time call before you come", and i was not sure if i should excuse myself or not. i am not sure i will ever be able to show up like that anymore and feel rejected. no, rejection is not something easy to deal with... i like surprises and i like unannouncements...