friends...

i've told you today that i don't get bored because you're not around... but that, when i'm bored, i realize that you're not around. missing you is nothing but normal. i miss lots of things... i miss walks in the beach in february, when there's no one around... i miss talking inside the car, waiting for the rain to stop outside... i miss late night phone calls... i miss people writing me letters, old fashioned letters... i miss having my closest friends around and being able to call them to go grab a cup of coffee... i miss going out in the evening and getting home at 4 a.m. just because conversation was so good that i didn't want to leave... i miss the volunteer work i did for so many summer's in a row... i miss my family and going home for the weekend... i miss late night conversations in bed with my sister, when we shared out room... i miss a lot of things, and yes, i miss you too... and the thing i miss the most about you is the things we never got to do...
one of the reasons i wanted the car before summer was for us to be able to get out of here... to go spend the weekend at the beach, or have an afternoon out in the mountain...
i've told you that i might have wanted things to go too fast... or maybe they just went as fast as they needed to go... maybe the reason we got together was because you needed someone to make you want to do something out of your life... or maybe it was for me to be able to overcome many of my fears... and you know you helped me overcome many... maybe we're still meant to be together, or maybe we're both meant to find someone else...
i don't know how to be friends with you... i don't event know if i know how to be friends with anyone... i have people i share my day to day life... people that realize when i'm not doing fine and that care about me, and people i just spend my time with at work or other activities... i have people i've known for a very long time... it is great to see them once and again, every time life makes it possible. Those are indeed friends, people i know i can count on... but also people that don't share the same life that i have, or at least not anymore. and i don't even think that any of the people in any of these two groups actually knows the real me. Some know me better than others... some might even know what my favorite color is, where i live, or even what i like to drink when i go out... some might know who is important to me, and what i can do to help someone else... but i don't think there is anyone who really really knows me for who i am... someone that shares my world with me, to whom i can talk about people using their names instead of the place they have in my life... i don't think there is anyone i would feel free to call at 10 p.m. and say "i'm bored, wanna join me for coffee?"... or anyone i could call at 3 a.m. saying "i am not ok, can you come?". There is no one i want to share the deepest and the most insignificant detail of my life, without being afraid to bore that person... my fault? probably... but i don't care... i've had that person... i had that person for a long time and i let him go... and no, that person was not just a friend... it was way more than a friend, because a friend is someone you share your life with, but a friend is not the person you want to know you better than you know yourself... that spot, that privileged spot is meant for someone that is more than a friend... it is meant for the person you want to share every second of your life with... it is meant for someone that has earned not only your love, but also your trust and respect... friends come and go... there are no obligation towards friends... they can leave... they get their own lives... they might even keep in touch, and you have great moments together, but they are free to go and live their own lives... that special person, however, is the person that actually gives a sense to the word friend... the person you spend your life with, that's the person that will know you better than you know yourself... it's the person that will wake up next to you, and be with you when you're sick and look terrible... and that will see you cry and hug you when you are sad... that's the person that will always be there for you, because that friend earned your love... and somehow you earned his... and that what lets you feel safe, and know that he will always be there, because above all he is your best friends, he knows every little detail about your life... he knows the person you are now, and the person you grow up to become... and you know that he will always be there... not that other people might not be there, but no one knows you better than he does... and me, i had that person and i let it go... and now i had you... and i was willing to trust you, i was willing to be your friend and let you be mine... but you, you would rather share your life with your so called friends... i am not sure they are your friends... not in the sense that they know the real you from today... not in the sense that you share everything with them... no, i believe they are just people that once knew you well, or that share a part of your life with you, so it seems easy to talk to them about certain things... but i don't think there is anyone among your friends that knows the real you... that knows you better than you do... and i'm not saying i do know you that way... you never gave me the time to be that person... you never gave me the chance to share every detail of your life... the change to relate faces to names so that i could picture who you were talking about... the chance to get home at the end of the day and hear about where you spent your time, what you learned or what you dreamed of... you never gave me the chance to really get to know the real you and to really become your friend... because you told me that you'd rather keep your friends, for friends will be there forever... but as i said... friends will get their own lives, they'll get their own best friend, and they will just become sweet memories... because one day you will call them saying "i'm not feeling great" and they will tell you "sorry you're not feeling great, but i need to stay with my kid today, so there's nothing i can do"...
so yes, i do have many people that know me, and that share parts of my life with me... but what i don't have is a friend... what i don't have is the person that i know will always be there...